Holy crap!!!!!

I'm pregnant again!!!!!!

Now the whole story....yesterday morning, I decided to take a home pregnancy test. See, I haven't had a period since before Trav moved so I thought I would just check things out. I bought a test about a week ago but have kept putting off taking it since I took one last time I was late at Trav's request and was negative. I thought this time, like last time, it was just my cycle being screwed up due to all the stress of getting ready to move and stuff. Well, turns out that was part of it, but not all of it. So, I got up in the morning at 7:00am and immediately locked myself in the bathroom to do the test. Did it and set it up on the windowsill to wait. Checked it a few minutes later and there was one dark line and one faint line. Immediately started freaking out!!!!! Decided to call at 8:00am to the doctor and have her order a serum test. So, got the kids ready and off to school all the while freaking out. Got back home with the baby and called the doctor. They told me to go to the lab mid-morning as the request would be there by then. So, took shower, ate breakfast, played with the baby, called my sister freaking out, etc. Around 10:30am, went to the lab. Asked when I would have the results and they told me tomorrow (today). So here I am at 4:40am, Tuesday, October 16 wondering when I will get the call. I also called and scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN for next week and have to go in to the lab again today to get a qualitative and quantitative test and a fasting blood glucose level today. So, been fasting since about 6pm with just a few sips of water. That's really okay since I am experiencing nausea this time. Which reminds me.....

I was totally clueless that this could be possible for a few reasons. First, I was sure that we were safe when we had sex. The doctor's office said that stress can definitely alter when you ovulate so I just ovulated earlier than I normally would have. So, according to my calculations of when I was safe, I WAS safe! My body just totally messed with me....and here I am. Secondly, during all three of my other pregnancies, my first symptoms were breast tenderness and dizziness. I have had NEITHER of those. And, I swear....those were the first two things I felt EVERY OTHER TIME! So, I was confident that my period was just late due to stress....since I am under tons of stress with the move, the kids, Trav being gone. Looking back, the fatigue I have been feeling makes sense now. So does the cramping around the time I thought I should be getting my period. And, the crankiness (though I conveniently forgot about how moody pregnancy hormones make you at first)! And now, I am blessed with nausea though I never had it during any of the other pregnancies.

So, besides being blessed with these fun symptoms, I am totally freaking out about this whole pregnancy. See, we thought we were done having children. I just got done having garage sales where I sold EVERYTHING baby related - the crib, the baby carseat (last year even), the pack-n-play, all clothes that are too small for Braden as well as all baby girl clothes, all my reference books, etc. Thankfully, I took the test before I took my maternity clothes to the resale store or listed the breastpumps on Ebay. I am going to take a few more things to AAI to donate, but am keeping the Boppy and a couple infant toys I was going to donate as well as my maternity clothes. I am also freaking out because of how Braden's birth was. I am totally terrified that I will have problems again. Even the doctor mentioned this and said that I would be "monitored closely". What happens if something happens to the baby or to ME? I would never have chosen to put myself or my family in the position where something could happen and they would lose me. This is my biggest fear. Even though I always said I wanted four children, since Braden's birth, I swore he would be the last for fear that something worse than a premie happen next time. Here I am totally freaking out because now I have to live those fears and not just imagine the possibility. I am praying so hard that God keeps me and the baby safe and that this pregnancy turns out to be as good as Madison's or Ashton's. I don't want to leave my husband without a wife nor my children without a mother. I am SOOOOOO scared right now. I am totally scared, also, to tell Trav. He has sworn for so long that he did NOT want another child. He even mentioned how he was as serious as divorce over the issue. Not that he would divorce me, necessarily, but that he was dead serious about being done. So now I am terrified to tell him and wondering when I should. I am planning on waiting to tell him when he comes back to visit. I am hoping that he will know that I did NOT do this on purpose, that I am terrified about this whole pregnancy, and that I DESPERATELY need his support to make it through this in addition to all I am going through besides. I have been praying that God would intervene for me and give us both peace and take care of all of us through this. I am thinking about going and talking to Father (and was thinking about it before I even found out I was pregnant - just to talk to someone about the stress I feel with the move and to get some spiritual guidance) to get some guidance on how I feel, how to tell Trav, and just to feel better in general. I know when Carolyn talked to a priest during her struggles, she said that was what helped her the most. Also, now we won't have any choice but to get a van. The timing of this sucks so bad as we really need to save all the extra money we can to get a new house. So, this really bothers me too! Seems, petty, probably, but it just compounds the other worries I have.

Okay...back to present day. Today I am going to the lab after Madison goes to school to get he bloodwork done that the doctor ordered. I will also be waiting for the call from Dr. L to confirm that it is indeed true. Then, I will be reviewing what I have forgotten about taking care of myself while caring for the boys. I am hoping that I feel better today - I had thought I was getting the flu as my appetite wasn't the greatest the last couple days, I was nauseous and tired. Now, though, I know it isn't the flu. Anyway, just going to try to take care of myself and the kids and get used to this whole idea. I need to find peace with it so that when I tell Trav, I can deal with his fears. I guess I just have to hope that God had a plan bigger than ours and that this is supposed to be for some amazing reason.